You might have noticed that I have stopped posting pictures of what I wear on a daily basis on this blog. The honest truth is that this year and mainly this past summer I gained weight. 23 lbs from my lowest low. The first time I stepped on the scale and it had a 2 instead of a 1 as the first number I cried.
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| This summer, the day I cried on the scale |
Then I was angry.
“WHY DID I EAT THAT CUPCAKE”
“FRENCH FRIES ARE NOT, NOT A VEGETABLE”
“I HAD TIME TO GO TO THE GYM, I WAS JUST TOO LAZY”
“SWIM LAPS BEFORE SWIMMING IN MARGARITAS”
I was, and still am, so mad at myself. I have no one to blame but myself.
So I stopped posting pictures because I was embarrassed.
All of my life I have struggled with perfection issues. I have a hard time living with certain imperfections. In college I had a mental breakdown over Calculus (I’m talking full blown nervous breakdown over a calculus final because I THOUGHT was going to fail (stop laughing)….this is a whole topic for a separate post on my neurosis (No my mother did not beat me with wire hangers) , so moving on).
So yeah, I was embarrassed.
What started out as project to not buy clothes and lose weight morphed into “fashion blogging.” Something, I’m just not cut out for.
So now what. Clearly I don’t miss “fashion blogging.” Honestly, I always felt this this pressure (self perceived probably) to have the latest and greatest it bag, skirt, pants, shoes, etc. Spend money and then not spend money? Pressure to look my best, not have a bad hair day, hide my double chin and make my thighs look thinner. I just don’t miss it. And it’s not because I don’t want to share what I look like with you (hello, you have seen me at my fattest). It is more about how judgmental I am about myself. I am my own worst critic. I see flaws that nobody else sees. I can turn a microscopic blemish into a zit the size of the Lake Michigan. I hate the fact that on the right side of my face I have an “age spot” often captured on film. I don’t miss trying to hide it.
Moving forward, I will post pictures of me, perhaps even a few “fashion photos” in the context of my life. Or perhaps if I’m having a a great hair day or want to share my favorite work dress. But, if you want to see what I wear every day, this blog will no longer be for you. Essentially, I’m over the self ridicule.
And as an update to taking off those those pounds. Successful? eh, slightly.
Right there with ya friend. I have been on the weight gain wagon lately and it is so frustrating. I have been struggling to get my mojo back. And also very tired of the excuses I constantly have.
But I have my 40th birthday looming in a little over a year and I refuse to feel this way about myself in my 40s. So the pressure is on!
I hear ya on the 40th Birthday day! Mine is not to far away. I would love love to be a goal by them.
chip, chip, chip away!